Monday, July 31, 2006

MONDAY MEDS - MASCULINE 'ENHANCEMENT'

- another installment chronicling my banged-up bod.













...so i find myself single after 24 years in a monogamous relationship. excitement/fear/more excitement/horny (the last six years of that 'relationship' was as lovelesssexless as it is possible to be).

so i take stock: i have had one lover for 24 years. i don't remmber/know The Dance. i don't know the rules. i don't know the lingo..."dating"?..."going out"?,,,"fuck buddy"?..."seeing somebody"?...might as well be Chinese. this is not a case of being merely out of practice...it is suddenly finding oneself mind-set time-shifted to 1979...which also feels like being a clumsy, pimply high school sophomore with NO swagger/chops/skills/nerve/nothing...

and then there is the question of after six years of famine & and being 57 years old...will i even be able to function in the requisite manner when called upon? 'no worries, man...' a friend sez, 'it's like ridding a bicycle'.

um...no it's not.

...so i see the ads on the TV with their smiling women/smug men all innuendonudgenudgewinkwink. i see the warnings of ifanerectionlastslongerthan4hoursgototheemergencyroom (yeah, right!)

...so i go see my GP, and get some samples of all the available wanggerdaggerkeeperuppers that have come on the market while i was otherwise engaged. and begin a scientific method Case Study of these products with a ridiculously little sample base of one (me) with the following baseline:

1) i love women.

2) i love sex.

3) i vaguely remember being a dirty young man - now i am determined to be a dirty old man.

4) i'm an American = don't ask me to 'do' anything...just give me a pill.

GENERAL RESULTS:

- they all work...or do they? how much is psychological? since 99% of the dealio is the enthusiasm of one's partner/the passion for which one feels for said partner...what's chemical and what's emotional?

- big surprise/Unintended Consequences Dept. - some partners are offended that they can't stimulate you enough/resent the fact that you-plus-them would even require a pill.

- remember when Freixenet came on the market? eveyone tried it - cheap champagne! - only to find out that it was 'a headache in a bottle'. same with these little pills. thumpthudthump. cured with an Exedrin (which also thins the blood/increases blood flow = see above re: effectiveness).

- the cost approaches that of 24k gold or a barrel of sweet crude oil. the pharmas are laffing at us poor insecure males all the way to the money bins.

- The Fletcher's Castoria Conundrum comes into play - as with prunes, are five too many?...are two too few? in other words, what's the dose? fuck the instructions - they are written by lawyers to avoid litigation & advertisers to reinforce The Con, and have no Real World application.

THE VERDICT:

Viagra - thumpthudthumpthumpthudthumpthumpthudthump...produces a real skull-cracker. does the job/slow acting/long lasting/ol' reliable.

Cialis - wins the tongue-in-check/'our market is former pothead hippies crashing into middle age, so let's have a sense of humor about this, shall we?' award = "one pill makes you larger"..."go see Alice" (get it?). top contender.

Levitra - these people will die painfully in hell. why? picture this: a lovely, willing woman in the next room while you try to get the damn pill out of a form of packaging that was originally designed to encapsulate plutonium. then you decide you need a knife to cut the thing open,, and so stumble into the kitchen (in the dark), reach into a drawer (in the dark), prick you finger as you reach for said knife (in the dark)....and after another ten minutes of whittling away at the packaging, the pill is STILL wrapped in some kind of inpenetrable plastic wrapping. thanks Bayer...like i'll even buy your aspirin again?????

NP: "The Lost Patrol"/two new songs that my kid likes, too

PEEVE DE JOUR: tomorrow i get rotator cuff repair surgery...and another Monday Meds story to tell.

ROSATTI'S FLAVOR-OF-THE-DAY"

(July 31st)

Peanut Butter -n- Jelly

cb...where are you?






NEW JERSEY

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